New York Times Article Summaries-March 2042
African Union and Somali Federal Forces Launch Mayor Offensive
MOGADISHU, Somalia—March 15, 2042: In the early morning hours on March, 13, 2042, a coalition of African Union forces made up of Kenyan and Ehtiopian forces joined Somali Federal government troops in a major offensive against the Al-Shabaab stronghold city of Kismaayo. Heavy fighting continued for most of the day and into early nightfall resulting in the death of Al-Shabaab spiritual leader, Mohamed Ali Al-Hazmi, and routed most of the terrorist contingent holding the city.
Al-Hazmi became the leader of the embattled terrorist organization over a year ago, and led the group to significant territorial gains in Southern Somalia and Eastern Kenya. He was heralded by his middle-eastern allies as well as by many Somalis as a new powerful force in Islam because of his quick and relatively bloodless gains in the Horn of Africa country.
The Somali Federal government has not released photos of the slain leader for fear of inciting violence in the country, but did release video of the terrorist leader’s burial at an undisclosed location. The government reiterated that all Muslim tenants regarding the proper burial of a body where stringently observed.
The Somali president spoke later that day to reiterate his country’s commitment to eliminate Al-Shaabab from the continent and promised that the current operation will continue until the terrorist group’s gains have been reversed and their forces expelled from the county.
Russian President Vladimir Putin Remembered
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia—March 16, 2042: The Russian President Mariya Putina-Karnikova, honored her father today on the first anniversary of his death by commemorating a six meter tall gold statue of the former president in the famous St. Isaac’s Cathedral.
The former porn-star turned politician, and now popular president of the greatest socialist-democracy in the world, tearfully remarked it was only fitting that her father’s statue be only a few meters away from the crucified Christ, as her father had done as much to rebuild Russia’s greatness during his over thirty year reign as the son of God did for humanity.
Many foreign leaders and dignitaries were in attendance at the memorial including the former president of the United States, Barrack Obama. After the event, president Obama was asked about the memorial and his sometimes turbulent relationship with Russia’s legendary leader. “Of course, we had our ups and downs during my tenure in the President’s House*,” the former president remarked, “what relationship is free from disagreements? But I always admired the man and we had a fantastic personal relationship. I think we really respected one another. I admired and to be candid, really envied, Vlady’s ability to make decisive executive decisions without the need of consulting anachronistic, repressive, and imperialistic-bourgeois institutions like Congress.”
- The President’s House—The new term used for the White House after a landmark case brought by the ACLU claiming the name “White House” was racist and reflective of America’s former WASP dominated culture.
Kim Jong-Un and Son Celebrate Kidnap an American Day with Hundreds of Happy Supporters
SEOUL, South Korea—March 23, 2042: The Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un and his eldest son, Dennis Rodman-Jordan-un, celebrated the annual festival, Kidnap an American Day with hundreds of cheering and worshipful supporters. The one-hundred and fifty American involuntary guests of North Korea were paraded in the Red Square dressed in Uncle Sam costumes holding signs reading, “Send Rice for Freedom,” “I Love my Korean Caretakers” and “Kim Is My Father too.”
At the daily news conference with U.S. Press Secretary, Victoria McTaggert, reporters pressed her on what the administration’s thought on the North’s festival. “As freedom loving people of the world we respect the North Korean’s right to express their God given gift of Free Speech and Assembly. We strongly object, however, to a regime that can dress hostages in such wonderful costumes, but can’t adequately provide food for its citizens. Our State Department will continue to beg…um…work with…the Chinese to negotiate on our behalf and put pressure on the North Korean regime to free our citizens or else we will continue to be really, really angry at them—you know, like, really angry.”
The Islamic Triumvirate of Syria-Iraq-Iran hold military exercises
DAMASCUS, Persia—March 30, 2042: The Supreme Shiite Islamic Triumvirate of Syria-Iraq-Iran, also known as The Holy Islamic Persian Empire, held joint military exercises with the Hezbollah Grand Republic of Lebanon today near the Israeli border. Alarms sounded in the Israeli capital sending people running in terror to bomb shelters as three errant, Shabab-8 missiles flew over the city of Yesod HaMa’ala toward Jerusalem. The missiles were harmlessly detonated in the air soon after they went off course.
General Abol-Ghasem Kashani for the triumvirate, expressed his remorse in a brief statment, “We apologize for our missiles veering off target toward Jerusalem, but this would not be an issue if the Zionists militaristic fascists in Israel would abandon our Allah given hereditary lands which they have stolen. Our glorious and ever vigilant forces, destroyed the missiles without harm to any civilian population minutes after the missiles went off their programmed course. Again, we are sorry the Zionist occupy our holy lands.”